Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Cause hell what's it all about anyway?

I'm sitting here, cramped on this blasted chairlift. The wind is whipping at my face, numbing my cheeks and neck with sharp prickles. My feet have lost all feeling in them, although I did distinctly remember them searing with pain just a few moments ago. My mind flashes back to twenty minutes before, where I had been blissfully cramped up asleep in my mother's van. Oh, how simple life had been when I could nap at will!

A snap of wind diverts my attention back to the present situation. It's all a game of survival at this stage, a game of wits and ... oh how cold it is. I wish I could just curl up and fall asleep again, anywhere. Even that snowbank over there looks fairly habitable, especially if it was to be a temporary-type-thing. 

But then I get to the top of the mountain.  The wind howls up here, with a sheer force that is completely alien to me.  Any lingering thoughts of resent vanish as I gaze upon the beauty that has been bestowed upon me. I felt almost guilty, looking at its pure divinity. There below me, the valleys that cusp between the mountaintops were graced with the wispiest of clouds. Feather-like, ethereal, they were curled as if God himself had twirled these gray strands of hair around his fingers. The setting sun cast pockets of gold light upon them, lighting a smile upon everything it touched. A fine mist sparkled around me, danced, as the wind continued to howl and crackle around me. The mountains kept their solemn omnipotence as I held my breath, exhilarated. 


I think I finally know what it's all about.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A note on oatmeal.

Why is it so difficult for us to accept the inevitable?
Why do we find an urge to run from place to place, to avoid the truth that is staring at us?
Why is it so difficult for us as human beings to not question the unanswerable?
Why..... do we ask?

I'm in an interesting mood today, so to complement the day I've decided to try and tackle the interesting questions.
With.... a story.

Today I was hustled out of bed five minutes before we were to leave for church. My father obviously expects me to go and shower, change, and get ready in under this time and still manage to stomach a bowl of oatmeal.

A note about oatmeal - It is awful, I cannot stand it. Something about warm milk and soggy oatmeal flakes all the consistency, texture, and taste of wallpaper paste simply does not imply to me like it should be edible in any sort of way.

Moving on, I wharf down my oatmeal and run into the car to get to church. Let me tell you, I was in no mood today to go to church. I'd been away from any decent sort of contact for ages and the aftermath of Christmas makes me want to sleep for the next week. But all things aside, I was also a little nervous about going to church. Ironic really, considering that that is the place that you are to obtain salvation. On a broader note, maybe I didn't want to obtain salvation. Not quite. I wasn't sure, really.

I get into my pew, and here is what I realize. The answer to all those questions..(Why is it so difficult for us to accept the inevitable? Why do we find an urge to run from place to place, to avoid the truth that is staring at us?
Why is it so difficult for us as human beings to not question the unanswerable?) ... is that I am unable to love myself. Ok, I tell myself. No problem, just repeat it as a mantra. Get it into your head, you'll believe it sometime.

I sat there for that entire hour, repeating to myself: I love you, it's okay. I forgive you. I love you, it's okay, I forgive you. I thought I was doing well, very well in fact.

But then my brother puts his hand in mine. Unable to accept the fact that I am worthy of his attentions, his love, his worries, I burst into tears.

The lesson here? Love yourself. The side effects of not doing so are adverse and not worth exploring.

Happy Sunday everyone.



Saturday, December 26, 2009

The heart of Christmas.

Christmas -
It's really quite the same no matter where you go.
All cheerful and upbeat, hopeful.
A time when we oversee all differences
and welcome each other with open arms.
It's proof that at least once a year
we as a human race can put together a conscious effort for the better.



- It just fills you with an indescribable joy when you look at the big picture, doesn't it?

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas.


This is the time, where all anticipation comes to an end.
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it the perfect image of your dreams?
Breathless by excitement-
hearts filled, and faces bright.
Do you sit content? Or do you ache for something more?
Do you have answers? Explanations?
Or is it just a reflection?
Bittersweet.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
May joy radiate through you- if only for one moment.
See the stars in the night-
love with all your might.

Good night.